is this your idea of a joke?

if im created in your image, then why is it so hard for me to be accepted. For starters, why do I have this "need" to be accepted. Is it something that you instilled in me before I was born. Or is it because my parents were too busy to find the time to ever make me feel like I was worthy in thier eye's? Nature or nuture, I really don't care. All I know is that i feel like I'm different from all around me. And considering how i feel like the friend everyone keeps at arm's distance, I'm starting to believe it. Life shouldnt be this hard. It's hard enough just trying to survive, much less to feel like a pariyah too. Everyone has faults. Everyone has issues. So then why do I feel like I'm a crayon in a box full of markers. I love people so deeply, yet I constantly feel like a doormat. People say that I should find my love/acceptance from you. But if that's true, then why are we even here on this Earth? If the point is to be totally dependant on you, then why do I need to be here in the 1st place? I love you, and you know that. And well everyone know's I'm not perfect. I'm just tired of feeling like I don't belong. I don't feel like you want sheep as children. we are all different in different ways. then why is it that i feel on the outside of those I wish to be closest too? being unique is one thing, being "that guy" is loosing it's luster. out of over 6 billion people on this earth, surely I wouldnt alienate everyone.....

...would I?

halloween fun....

spent saturday night carving pumpkins with wes/angel. we were all novices...thank goodness for Sherry the seasoned pro there to guide our carving.

oh and i grabbed handfuls of pumpkin guts bare handed and didnt throw up. That counts as a "manly man" point in my book.


wes did the jolly rogers (that's a skull and cross-bones for those who don't know) angel did the spider and the web, and me and sherry did the haunted house on the hill.

Squishy...

it never fails to amaze me just how happy and sweet that little girl's face looks when i walk thru the door. It's not an instant reaction. it takes her a second to figure out that daddy's home. then that grin which goes from ear to ear show's up, followed by her waving to me. sherry's exhausted and needs to go to bed, so it's my duty to put her to sleep. I know she may fuss sometimes, but just like with her sister. there is nothing as sweet as that little baby on my chest. taking in such deep breaths and dreaming such happy dreams.

before that though she found a fun little game. she took sherry's car ipod charger and crawled over to me to show it. she was waving it out in front of her right at me. when i reached for it. she moved her arm away and down by her side with a huge grin on her face. she's so smart and sweet. our little squishy was playing keep away. she was so proud of herself too. so i added in a little tickle to her neck....which only served to make her smile even bigger.

i could just squish those little squishy cheeks all day long. so in the end i won the fight and she went to sleep peacefully on my chest again. one arm wrapped around me. one arm playing with the back of her hair.

sweet baby

Jazzy-J

This morning I wake up very groggy. And I decided since I look like a Mini-Grizzly Adams, its time to shave my head and face. I get 2 minutes into when I hear one of my favorite sounds. It was the sound of two feet landing on the floor getting out of my bed. She walked in holding her baby doll in one arm, and holding the dolls hand with her hand. A confused and sleepy look was on her face as she staggered in the bathroom. i saw her standing behind me in the mirror, so i stopped. Turned the razor off. and dusted off my head. i walked over to her and picked her up in my arms and set down holding her in my arms. i talked sweetly and soft to her. "good morning beautiful girl........did you sleep well?" she only replied with....."uh-huh". i gave her a kiss on her cheek and told her that daddy' was shaving his head. "savin?" was her reply. I told her she was right and ask her if she wanted watch.....again "uh-huh" was her only reply. so i set her on the counter and started to shave my head again. I had the clipper next to my ear so i didnt hear what she said. i move it away and lean in close asking her to say it again...

"i watch you daddy..............pretty"

how is it someone so small.......can melt my heart in an instant.

breakdown....

how do you know when your close to having one. Are their sign's you should look for? Like a buzzer warning you t-minus 30 minutes till self-destruct sequence initiated. that would be helpful if that really happened. Unfortunately, you never really know you just broke down, till after it happened. kinda backwards if you ask me.

my head is killing me, I've had a headache for almost a whole day. which is so not the norm for me. maybe that's my sign I'm about to have a come apart....maybe I'm due for one and don't even realize it.

on a side note, finally got the gym/patio area concreted in yesterday, sherry was cool enough to get the girls foot prints put in before it dried.....unfortunately, so did Rasha.

stupid cat.

lets get this started...

Why is it so hard for people to love someone else who is hurting them and lashing out in pain. When were all born and go through life, we come up with how we react to things. To some its to cry, others run away.......but some of us, tend to fly off the handle and attack the source of the pain....i.e, YOU!!! the jerk that just stepped on my feelings. Doesn't mean you deserve it, doesn't mean you intended on hurting me. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still out of control. Now I'm sure its really easy for the self-righteous out there to tell me how to just "not do that." But tell me how any of you control your "instinct's"? you don't.......that's why they are called instincts....you react before you get a chance to think. and like i said, some of us react instinctively.....in different ways. NOW the reason for my babbling is this. Don't i deserve someone to reach out save me. I mean when people are drowning.....some people fight off rescuers...does that mean you should let them drown?

but it's not easy to find someone that can deny yourself, endure the attack.....and still save someone else who's lashing out..

too bad, huh?