"Daddy told me shut up...."

came the reply from the bedroom as her mommy sat on the edge of the bed trying to console her. The beautiful little angel didnt feel good. She was just starting to get sick and was sad all night long. She was up,well past her bedtime. And unfortunately for her parents. They were trying to have a bit of midnight sex on the couch. Her crying "MMMOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYY!!!!" was a little more than distracting for her dad, and mommy too. But her daddy reached his boiling point, and in a fit of selfish rage screammed out at the top of his lungs "Jasmine.....SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!!!!"

She's old enough now that she know's that being ugly when you say shut up to someone one. And her daddy is more than old enough to know not to ever say it to his little angel, especially when she doesnt feel good.

heart break.............doenst quit cover it to hear your daughter telling her mommy through tears "daddy told me shut up.....daddy told me shut up"

i truely am a horrible father, and have no reason to be in her precious life.

fuck em....

.......that's my attitude today. i just really don't care. i want to drown myself in a sea of drug/alcohol induced haze to where i cant remember basic motor functions.

do you think i'm depressed and need some med's?

maybe......................
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but my idea sounds a lot more fun.

good weekend.

Sherry and I took the girls to a Christmas parade. I held Ariyah and sat on the side of the road. Sherry was standing in the street with Jasmine. At first she was a little apprehensive about running out to get the candy. i mean the people on the floats were throwing stuff at her after all. but then she realized.........ITS CANDY!!!!! she worked so hard running to pick up every peice that they threw to her. it was so cute, then she'd run back to me and drop off her winnings. By the time the parade was done, we had a bag full of candy. they loved it. ariyah just watched as everything went bye. She got most excited about the horses, she pointed at them as they went bye. jazzy danced to the marching bands and ariyah clapped. they saw "Tanta" as Jasmine would say for Santa....but everything was eclipsed by the fact that Mickey Mouse was there....they both went nuts.... it was so cute. the rest of the day jazzy said "MICKEY GAVE ME CANDY!!!!"

Sherry and i agree, we love doing things with the girls that make them that happy.

connie cow

so Jasmine has been telling me and sherry "corny cow" for a long time now. We have no idea what she's saying. Its been driving us mad for 2 months now. Sherry will ask her, "Baby,do you mean Holy Cow?".........with a serious look she answers, "no...corny cow". well mystery is finally solved thank God. Sherry figured out she only says it when we are singing, so i asked the daycare if they have some kind of song about a corny cow. turns out on the 12x18 sheets that they use to teach them their letters....they have Connie the Cow for "C"... and there is a song that goes with it.

glad that's over.......now all we have to do is learn the song.

scared and hopeful....

...that's what happens when you take a chance on someone.....you never want to be hurt again. but it's hard not to notice that
of hope you have now. its a great thing. hope. heck my 2nd daughters middle name is even hope. i thought it was cute naming the first girl's middle name faith. and the 2nd hope. but i never realized just how much those names would come to mean to me.

i have faith and hope in you.. i hope that means as much to you as it does for me to say it.

can't breathe....

feels like a boulder is on my chest.....but yet i keep breathing. heavier and heavier. I'm getting past the point of panic........now im feeling the rage....it's building up and gives me strength.......people have a problem with anger....but can you feel this surge of adreniline and emotions.....driven by pure instinct.....like an animal........a force of nature. litteraly feeling 10 feet tall and bullet proof....

but im not........cause when all that power has faded.....the only thing left is you and the fallout of the damage you just caused.

and that sucks.

is this your idea of a joke?

if im created in your image, then why is it so hard for me to be accepted. For starters, why do I have this "need" to be accepted. Is it something that you instilled in me before I was born. Or is it because my parents were too busy to find the time to ever make me feel like I was worthy in thier eye's? Nature or nuture, I really don't care. All I know is that i feel like I'm different from all around me. And considering how i feel like the friend everyone keeps at arm's distance, I'm starting to believe it. Life shouldnt be this hard. It's hard enough just trying to survive, much less to feel like a pariyah too. Everyone has faults. Everyone has issues. So then why do I feel like I'm a crayon in a box full of markers. I love people so deeply, yet I constantly feel like a doormat. People say that I should find my love/acceptance from you. But if that's true, then why are we even here on this Earth? If the point is to be totally dependant on you, then why do I need to be here in the 1st place? I love you, and you know that. And well everyone know's I'm not perfect. I'm just tired of feeling like I don't belong. I don't feel like you want sheep as children. we are all different in different ways. then why is it that i feel on the outside of those I wish to be closest too? being unique is one thing, being "that guy" is loosing it's luster. out of over 6 billion people on this earth, surely I wouldnt alienate everyone.....

...would I?